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09 July 2009 @ 11:40 pm
Stupid Phone Calls  

So I'm listening to someone moan their name into the phone, a three-name phrase that they are managing to put into two syllables and getting angry when I don't understand them, and I realize that I've been working at this store for over a year, and all of the phone calls are the same.  Some are really great, and I love those customers, but the vast percentage of the calls fall into one of the following categories.

1.  Calls from people wanting to sell comics, cards, and toys.  We give them the same answer -every- time they call, that we aren't buying, nor have we bought in a long time, and every month, the same people call back and ask again.  The next question upon being told, 'No, we aren't buying.' is usually, 'Do you know who is?  What's THEIR phone number.'  We are not fucking directory assistance.  Google it, look in the damned phone book.

2.  Calls from subscribers who believe we should all know them by name.  This one drives me up the damned wall.  Strangely enough, no one else seems to get these, but it always starts with the standard phone greeting:

Me:  "Thank you for calling [], how can I help you?"
Them:  "Hi.  I'd like to check my box please?"
Me:  "Sure!  What's your name?"
Them:  -pause- "You mean you don't recognize my voice?"
Me:  "I'm sorry, no I don't.  Your name?"
Them:  "Awww, come on, guess."
Me:  "I'm sorry, I don't know.  Last name?"
Them:  "I know -YOUR- name...you don't know mine?"
Me:  "We have hundreds of subscribers sir, shall I begin with 'A'?'

We have one specific female customer thats cosplay-neko 'normal', but sounds like a dying buffalo on the phone.  She grunts her name into the receiver and expects you to be psychic and somehow know who she is and what she wants...however, the law of perversity states that if you assume, even once, they will change their mind and think you're a moron...so I just start off on the wrong foot and get it over with.  I go into super kindergarten 'use good pronunciation' mode.

Me:  [standard store greeting]
Her:  "This is *GRUNT*"
Me:  "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?"
Her:  "This is Cl(grunt)una."
Me:  "Thanks, what can I do for you?"
Her:  -irritated pause-  "My box."
Me:  "Hrm?  Oh!  You want to check your subs?"
Her:  -another irritated pause- "Yuh-huh."

3.  Customers who call to ask whether or not eight million different comics came in.  Seriously?  We send out a newsletter with all of the new releases.  Just drive to the fucking store and look instead of tying us up for half an hour.  (This has the equally unpleasant sub-sect of customers who want me to describe covers for them.)

4.  People calling to ask if we have console games.  No.  Never have.  Never will.

5.  People who are insecure working with more than a single employee.  We have customers who call for a specific employee, because they want only -that- demigod of geekdom to help them, nevermind that there are plenty of other people happy to assist them.  Some of them get bitchy when their personal geekslave is not present to cater to them.  The misogynists fall into this category as well - on more than one occasion, Pink and I have been asked, 'Is there a MAN there that I can talk to?'  Because apparently they are incapable of accepting what someone with a uterus says.  They just have a MIGHTY CRAVING for the PENIS.  (There will be a sub-rant at some point regarding the pain of being equipped female in a largely male industry later.)

6.  People asking what time we close.  Never mind that on busy nights, the standard greeting usually includes 'Open Till ______', they still ask, because their mighty need to ask a question made them deaf to the freely offered information.  People are so, so stupid sometimes.

7.  Customers calling to ask if their special order came in.  When we take the information for a special order, we state to the customer, 'We'll call you when we receive your items, and let you know to pick them up.'  Yet we still have tons people on a daily basis calling to ask if their stuff came in.  My default response to these questions is, 'Did you receive a call?'  It doesn't help, I know, but I can fantasize, can't I?

I'm sure there are some that I'm forgetting, but that's about it.  /rant